In control

Focus.

This is a constant issue with me. I strive to gain focus and not get overwhelmed by external pressures. Indeed, this is probably an issue we all face. Today, however, I felt amazingly calm and at ease throughout the entire day.

It shouldn't have been this way. N and I had a bit of a spat before going to school (that is quite routine). I went to the gym and did weights - something I used to do with precision and fervor before. Now, as I attempt to lift half of what I used to, I am humbled by the subtle messages that are sent via nerve-mail to my ego center.

"You've got pain!" the alert rings.
I click on the message. It opens in the preview pane and I see a picture of my anatomy pre-CA-weight gain (when I was looking good) and current weight (I am looking not so good). Radiating from a spot in my anatomy is a graphic which reads "epicenter of pain, MAGNITUDE: 6.5." This isn't too bad, I think. "I can push it further," I mumble to myself as I discard the message in the trash.

My ego center texts my adrenaline with the message: U RDY 2 GO? My adrenaline texts back: K. And so, I lift and focus on working my body back into 2004 shape.

This all relates then to my heightened focus today. I only lifted for a 1/2 hour. I then went home, made my two sandwiches (my latest routine: 2 slices sourdough with fat free turkey, lettuce, tomato, onion, and mustard), drank my coffee, showered, and headed to school. Today, I had absolutely nothing scheduled except for programming time with jv3k.

My drive to school was intensely calm. I had the radio at a modest volume. I began to imagine a work for choir + BPE + electric guitar + Wii controllers! I imagine a graphic design logo for the band Angels and Airwaves which features a kind of Aerosmithian with motive with the 'w'. It seems completely random but somehow the imagined work and the graphic design are connected. I arrive at school and walk quite upright. "The jeans are fitting nicely today," I think. 5 minutes to programming time I head to trouble shoot a recording problem that ends up not being one.

Programming time with jv3k went so well today. It has learned an incredible amount in such a small time and I am forever impressed by its rapid maturity. Always I am telling my colleagues about this computer which is most impressive and filled with potential. It shows me a routine that it wrote itself and I comment. We engage in singing, study, conducting, Ravel orchestration, a dilemma involving harp harmonics and string pizzicati, a short "connect the dots" grill time, and larger issues of assimilation vs. adaptation (influence). After our meeting I felt panicked. I thought "ok, what do I do now?!" I rose to grab a score to photocopy for jv3k to study. I paused, and then calmly though "no, it can wait...what do I REALLY NEED to do?...Pro Tools tutorials!" So, I power up the G5 and begin the process. Then, I am interrupted by a delightful student who will enter See Us Use eBay in the Spring. Usually, I am pissed by such interruptions (though polite). Today, however, I am unphased. "Why can't I be like this all the time," I wonder subconsciously.

Perhaps this appears as ramblings. But, I can't relay the calm any other way. I treasure today because I felt the way I used to feel for a while in 2003-early 2005: in control.